Stephen Quint and the ZOMBIE MIKADO

Doug sums up: Gay Pirates

I am proud horrified to say that I attended the GAY RECEPTION before last Friday’s Pirates. Yuck! It wasn’t really open to just any old gay; you had to have some sort of special ticket or be on a list. Well, I gayed my way past the door woman and got up to the party. Yeesh!

The large boy running the party was giving everyone a sticker to wear. He asked “What kind of booty would you look for if you were a pirate?” I sort of understood that he was making a joke, but frankly it was so stupid that I couldn’t think of anything to say that was unwitty enough to make sense. He said to Bryan “come on, I don’t have all day” – Bryan, like myself, was too dumbstruck by his request to even reply. He wrote a name tag for me, and I don’t know what he intended to write… it couldn’t have been what he meant. He wrote “Plumd booty.” There was no mistaking the D. Bryan thoughtfully added an apostrophe to make the tag even more dada. “Plum’d booty.” Whatever!

The line for drinks was miserably long, and the drinks strong but lousy. The men? Well, look for yourself. I’m appalled to tell you that we wound up in a photo from the event.

Gayness photo essay

As for the show itself: if you’ve ever seen a NYGASP Pirates, well, I can’t imagine why you’d see it again unless your brother is playing the Major General. There’s some schtick that has been in there since I first saw the production (back in… 85?) but now even more added crap. None of the old “bits” cut out, and lots of new stuff. At this point I feel like I’ve been watching the same Three Stooges routine for twenty solid years. I think that the production should be completely and utterly gutted. Yeah, I know, people were laughing at the idiotic exchange between the Sergeant of Police and the orchestra’s percussionist, but come on. People laugh at FULL HOUSE reruns, too. Years of layered on junk have really screwed up a delightful production. Also, the constant hand gestures drive me even further over the edge. Does Ruth REALLY need to demonstrate “pilot” by steering a wheel EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE SINGS THAT WORD? Gack. We get it.

As for the cast, it was one of the stronger ensembles I’ve ever encountered. I was quite sad that Keith Jurosko wasn’t in- I’d never seen him as the Sergeant and I was looking forward to it. The fellow who did the role was swell. I did have a wistful moment, missing Phil Reilly. I think that the Mabel had a nice instrument but I was surprised that she was leaving out notes to sneak breaths. I guess she needed it, though, cuz she was getting more than a little flat up there. She was a good actress, very enjoyable, and it more than made up for the anomalies in her singing.

Louis was an excellent doufus cop. Michael Galante looked fetching, and audience members were whispering about Alan Hill’s big package.

Steve Quint is a god damned brilliant Major General. The Pirate King was also excellent, but his role, above all others, was hindered by the endless dumb gesticulations he had to wrangle.

Oh! Also- the performance was conducted by someone named Jeffrey. He seemed quite good. The orchestra sounded better than usual- much cleaner ensemble. The stage-to-pit coordination was also excellent. The lady’s chorus needs to be group slapped, though… I don’t think I’ve ever heard the NYGASP women get “How beautifully blue the sky” right ever, and it REALLY stunk on Friday.

That’s enough of that.

Doug speaks

As excited as I am to see my 182nd billionth performance of PIRATES OF PENZANCE this week, I'm even more excited to post the following article. I have cut out a great deal of it, leaving only the most salacious and idiotic bits. Only in Japan! Or the Philippines. Or the Bronx. Or, well, anywhere. It just proves once again that MUSIC IS BAD. The only person more perverted than a musician is a music teacher. STAY AWAY FROM MUSIC.

Anyone that will be at Pirates on Friday, please look for me, and throw things at me... like narcotics! Thank god it's not Pinafore, I'd hang myself from the balcony during the 3rd "Bell Trio" encore.

DOUG

 

Wayward woodwind teacher arrested for showing schoolgirls how to blow

Shukan Post (12/21-28)

Celebrated schoolgirl woodwind orchestra instructor Yoshihito Hagiwara faces a long time behind bars after he allegedly got the girls in his charge to blow an organ that had nothing to do with music, according to Shukan Post (12/21-28).

Hagiwara has entered a guilty plea to charges of breaking the Child Welfare Law and the Law Banning Child Pornography.

During the most recent hearing in his trial late last year, prosecutors told a family court that 33-year-old Hagiwara used his position guiding the woodwind group at a posh private high school to lure young girls into sex by telling them they needed it to improve their musical abilities.

Prosecutors say he maintained sexual relationships with some schoolgirls by telling them sex would allow them to perpetuate the improvements that copulation had brought about to their skills with an instrument.

Only three students at the school have pressed charges against Hagiwara, but prosecutors pointed out that he had been in charge of the musical group at the school for nine years and had lured at least 13 schoolgirls into his clutches.

"A raid on his home netted photos of half-naked schoolgirls who had taken off their uniforms and even many pictures of the girls engaged in sex with him," an officer involved in the police investigation into the case tells Shukan Post. "There were photos of several different students."

Police say Hagiwara had fashioned a tiny shed to act as a storeroom for the music students, where he would take girls for sex.

"Hagiwara realized that he held a powerful control over girls who were worried about their musical abilities. He would mail or telephone or verbally offer the girls a private lesson to get them alone with him. He was having sex simultaneously with several girls at times," the investigation insider says. "There were even times when he would shave all the hair off a girl's body, telling her he was 'exorcizing her demons.'"

Police said nearly all of Hagiwara's victims had been virgins until he got to them.

Those who know the school where Hagiwara worked are not surprised it took until late last year before he was caught.

"Hagiwara was almost like a god to the woodwind group," a source from the school tells Shukan Post. "Some of the students used to refer to themselves as 'Hagi(wara's) Orchestra.'"

Hagiwara was a talented flautist as a child, and completed a musical course at a junior college in Tokyo before returning to his parents' home in Yamanashi Prefecture to help out with the family business. He continued playing his flute, though, making a name for himself by winning contests and putting on outstanding shows.

Hagiwara started helping out at the school in 1998, when he was employed as a special instructor. Even when the school hit budget problems and could no longer continue to pay him, Hagiwara stayed as a volunteer.

When Hagiwara first started instructing, the school was not particularly well-known for its musical achievements. However, growing numbers of his charges began winning musical contests, and demand for his tuition grew to the point that in recent years, he was overseeing 60 third-year students a year. But even as his reputation for excellence grew, he exploited it to seduce his students.

Despite which, however, Hagiwara's parents still can't see their son being entirely in the wrong.

"We always had students coming over to our house. I know the girls who pressed charges against him very well," Hagiwara's mother tells Shukan Post. "I can't help thinking that they might have been trying to monopolize him for themselves."

Starring Doug, Devin, Bryan, "and Special Friends"

Don't send a lame Holiday eCard. Try JibJab Sendables!

Newsflash, courtesy of DOUG

Two important items just hit the wire:

Poultry Fat Spill Causes Virginia Wreck

 

Published: November 27, 2007

       

ACCOMAC, Va. (AP) -- A waste truck leaked poultry fat along 20 miles of roadway Tuesday, causing at least four crashes and making a stinky mess.

Virginia State Police said a truck hauling a waste product of poultry grease from a Perdue Farms plant left a valve open, and the fat leaked onto U.S. Route 13 from the plant to the Maryland state line.

At least four crashes and several spinouts were reported Tuesday morning on northbound Route 13, said Sgt. Joe Bunting. One injured person was taken to a hospital, he said.

Bunting described the consistency of the grease on the road as a ''glassy film'' and said crews were sanding the road surface to help drivers get traction.

However, the gunk was sticking to the tires and spreading onto secondary roads in the region. He added that the grease caused a ''really funky'' odor.

The truck's driver was stopped at a weigh-in station near the Virginia-Maryland state line, Bunting said.

Julie DeYoung, a spokeswoman for Perdue Farms, said the company's priority is to clean up the spill. She said Perdue hired a contractor to coordinate the effort with state transportation and environmental officials.

DeYoung said company officials were investigating the incident to determine how the spill happened. They believe the leak began sometime after the truck -- which was driven by an independent driver -- left the Accomac rendering plant.

DeYoung described the substance as poultry fat that is a byproduct of the rendering process.

Anorexic and hairy prostitutes all the rage in Moscow

Brothel owners try to attract customers with unusual novelties. Girls looking like beautiful models go out of fashion slowly but surely. Satiated with most sophisticated pleasures, moneybags are ready to pay thousands of dollars for a night with ugly prostitutes. Wealthy men are willing to pay for sex with hairy, bearded and anorexic women, MIGnews.com.ua reports.

Victims of anorexia enjoy the biggest demand on the sex market in Moscow nowadays. Anorexia is mainly caused by the desire to lose weight, so typical of all women, especially models. Nowadays there are dozens of brothels in New York employing the girls fired from modeling businesses for excessive thinness. A night with a barebone woman costs up to 2,000 dollars.

Prostitutes with burnt faces, broken noses, disproportionately big heads and other birth defects are extremely popular In Japan. A young girl named only as Mimiko, who has a cleft lip and a cleft palate, claims that her sex life has become much more intense after she began working as a prostitute.

In Moscow, men start to prefer women with excessive hairiness. A woman reportedly known as Fatima, a native of the former Soviet republic of Georgia, has her entire body covered with soft hair and even wears a beard. Fatima charges 500 dollars a night for such unique looks.

The woman suffers from a rare disease: she has an increased level of male hormones in her body. She would spend her life as a lonely virgin unless she became a prostitute.

Those going in for unusual sex say that prostitutes suffering from physical deformities or drawbacks welcome their every client with gratitude and show real passion in bed, which cannot be observed with other plain-looking workers of the sex industry.

Psychologists say that men with certain psychological problems are attracted by women with birth defects. As a rule, such men are shy and secluded individuals having certain difficulties in everyday communication with other people. They need to find someone weaker physically and morally to make themselves feel better. A woman with a physical defect is a perfect match for such men, whereas they will not feel any sexual desire to a woman looking like a fashion model.

The people suffering from this deviation are not to be referred to as sex maniacs. They do not cause anyone any harm. Quite on the contrary, they can make happy a woman who has been suffering from a serious lack of human attention and care before.

Why actors can't be trusted

A BILE-FILLED POST FROM DOUG.

About two weeks ago I received an email from a friend. He had been brought on as a sort of consultant for a short film directed by Scorsese. My friend was also trying to fill up an orchestra's worth of extras for the film. It seemed like it might be... well, if not interesting, then probably still worth doing just for the sake of doing. The money was almost reasonable, and the only requirement was that I show up at Houston and Broadway before dawn in my tuxedo, with a contrabassoon. We would be bussed to Bayonne.

We were all there at 6 for our bus, which didn't show up until 7:45. That's ok, it was a balmy 40 degrees and we got to watch the sun come up.

Once we got there, all 80 people needed to go through hair and make up. I sat and waited until dead last... there was no way in hell I'd stand in line for an hour so that I could sit around made up under lights until the others were done. I finally got in the chair (yes, dead last) and let them shave me.

We were finally all in place at about 10. From 10 until 3 we would have one 10 minute break. We sat in our chairs with hemorrhoids blossoming for endless god damned hours, doing NOTHING except fantasizing about killing the contractor.

At 3 we ran for the catering table and devoured everything we could. As we were eating we were told we were done for the day. GOOD GOD DAMNED BYE. Our bus stalled in the Holland Tunnel on the way back in.

Want to see JUST how exciting it was? I shot a few seconds of footage on my phone. If you made this into a 5 hour loop you'd have a good idea what the day consisted of. Regard:

I'm not sure I've ever had a shittier experience. Who would be an extra willingly?? I'd rather salt fries. I'll never see a movie again without thinking "that guy in the background, the one standing by the vending machine, what an asshole. He should go read a book."

A Monday treat from Doug....

Roach Motel

THIS PUBLIC SERVICE BROUGHT TO YOU BY DOUG.

When you're planning any travel, I recommend you read hotel reviews on the website "tripadvisor.com".

Right now I'm in Lancaster, PA. I have stayed in this hotel twice before, and it's quite skuzzy. The music festival here pays for it, so I stay. I was just perusing the reviews on tripadvisor, and it made me laugh out loud many times! Here's my favorite so far:

My boyfriend and I stayed at this hotel overnight while visiting the Amish attractions. We read the reviews before going and they were bad, but we were willing to give it a try. The hotel was disgusting. The lobby had a very dank smell. The bed looked as if it was going to collapse. The television did not work, and I got stuck in the bathroom twice, because of the broken door. It gets worse. At around 2:00 am we were woken up by a stabbing outside of the hotel facing the parking garage. Stay away from this place. We loved lancaster, but there are far better places around than this dump!

To make my night as bad as possible, I just watched an episode of the worst show ever to be televised: MASH. A Christmas episode, at that!

Lancaster is the biggest heroin town on the east coast. Apparently it comes into the US through Philly and then is uncrated here. The streets are full of Amish and Junkies. It's HEAVEN!

Another excellent review:

If you have a strong stomach and don't mind filth and your toddlers picking up old toe nail clippings, reserve yourself a room!! This hotel was disgusting, we immediately left after being in our room for ten minutes. The hotel lighting was very dim, the floors smelled of old cigarette smoke, and the furniture and rugs were very dirty. The beds in the room were concave and the bathroom had a cracked sink and rust stains. One of the elevators only went up. The floor in our room was covered in toe nail clippings that were discovered when a toddler picked one up to put it into her mouth. We had to drive through very rough slums to get to the hotel. We were totally disgusted by this hotel and would like to help others so they do not have to go through the same experience late at night with children.

Dancing in the clothes of a dead man

DOUG SAYS

Well, STEVE has been far too busy and far too dispassionate to do any blogging. I see no reason that I can’t keep you updated on his current tragedies, and how they affect ME. I am DOUG and I am STEVE’S BROTHER.

STEVE has been busy doing some work stuff, but I really don’t know details because I don’t care. If you want to know about what he’s been doing professionally, you’ll have to stop him on the street and ask him. He won’t remember. Count on fabrications.

One important item that has transpired…. our grandfather, L.A. DYSART THE FIRST, passed away several days ago. This man was the role model that all other grandfathers should aspire to. He really profoundly shaped our family. We’ll miss the man, but he lived to be nearly ancient, and I don’t think he regretted a single thing he ever did. We should all be so fortunate.

STEVE is now in SAN FRANCISCO, with THE WOMAN HE MARRIED and SOME CHILDREN. He asked if I wouldn’t mind stopping by their apartment so that I could SHOVEL UP THE CAT TURDS.  Why no, I wouldn’t mind at all. I have nothing against turds. QUITE THE OPPOSITE! I was also invited to use THE GAS GRILL while on my turd mission, so it all sounded like a nice night.

STEVE and THE WOMAN HE MARRIED have a lovely apartment in Brooklyn Heights. Occasionally there are also SOME CHILDREN around.There’s a swell deck with lots of plants and a terrific GAS GRILL.  I went to his place tonight with MY BOYFRIEND (referred to henceforth as BRYAN, as that is his name) and we brought all sorts of things to cook on THE GAS GRILL. We had chicken, cauliflower, corn, and some lovely sausage. Yay!  A FRIEND that we address as “DREW” was invited to join us for a lovely evening of dining al fresco.

As THE GAS GRILL preheated we chopped, we diced, and we did all of the sorts of things that one might do when preparing food. Bryan SHUCKED CORN and treated the cauliflower with olive oil and curry powder. I marinated the chicken. "Drew" arrived, THE GAS GRILL reached the proper temperature, and we placed the food on the heated grill. TO COOK, RIGHT? Well, no, because that is exactly when THE TANK RAN OUT OF GAS.

We ate a PIZZA and watched THE THING. I should mention that THE THING was selected by Bryan, and he didn't know that RICHARD DYSART has his arms mangeled in the movie. RICHARD is the nephew of our GRANDFATHER. It seemed a fitting way to keep the DYSART NAME omnipresent.

STEVE, IF YOU READ THIS, YOUR TANK IS OUT OF GAS.

AND YOUR CATS SURE DO LIKE TO MAKE.