part 4: The Rest of the London Experience

In recent news... I am officially relieved of the cast I've had on my arm for the last 5 months. I've not been wearing it anyway for several weeks, and new X-rays show that the bone (humerus) has filled in enough so I can use my arm without worrying about it falling apart.

Also, on the zombie front, EVIL DEAD has been turned into a stage musical! Debuting in New York in October! Does that sound like a bad idea or what? I guess I can sort of imagine Ash being harassed by singing ghouls. I am of course not in favor of great movies being ripped off to be turned into musicals, no matter how "lovingly" it's done. But if it keeps Mel Brooks from making horrible new movies, I suppose that's fine.

AND NOW BACK TO ENGLAND. All horror now behind me, Thursday began with my arrival at PARLIAMENT, with nothing to encumber me but my wallet, a map, and the new passport I'd gotten the day before, which I took out to admire every 15 minutes. I had a careful look around the Parliamentary area, heard big Ben strike the hour, admired the statues, walked across Westminster Bridge for a different view, then continued walking up (east, actually) the river, on the Victoria Embankment. Quite bustling, the Thames, for such a mangy little river. Very unpleasant-looking water. Give me the HUDSON, now there's a river!

I saw London's Cleopatra's Needle, a 70-foot Egyptian obelisk imported in 1829. New York and Paris also have Cleopatra's Needles, needless to say they all look about the same. Same height (70 feet?), hieroglyphs, same vintage (1450-ish BC). None of them have anything to do with Cleopatra, except they're Egyptian. There were a couple of small sphinx reproductions at its base, one of which was marred by shrapnel scars from those GOD DAMN GERMANS AND THEIR AEROPLANES. Also on the Embankment were a couple of interesting bas-reliefs -- or whatever the plural is of that. One was of WWII soldiers and was carved in such a way that the men seemed to be reaching out, and falling out of the wall. It was a shock effect just as frightening as a nightmare moment in Romero's DAY OF THE DEAD. The other was just a little further on -- I looked up and was astonished to see a bas-relief plaque of W.S. GILBERT! "Playwright and Poet" -- no mention anywhere of his work with any composers, which I think would have pleased him. He was in profile, looking very gruff and grim, as usual. Or was he maybe more griff and grum? I don't know -- here's a picture, you decide. We have below him Tragedy, on the left, holding a quill and paper, and, on the right, Comedy, holding a Mikado doll, with Despard, Margaret, Willis, and some others spilling out of her sleeve.

I made detours off the Embankment to have walks on Strand, Fleet St, Chancery Lane, St. Mary Axe (why I didn't visit no. 70 I don't know), and had lunch at Ye Olde Cock Tavern, part of which was from the 17th Century. I went into St. Paul's Cathedral but it was absurdly expensive and crowded so I decided I didn't have to see the whole thing. I stayed parallel to the Thames most of the time. The sidewalks are kind of narrow for such a busy city. I "couldn't help" but notice that not nearly as many women wear thongs in London. And when they do they're not so ostentatious about it. Click here for "ostentatious" thong action.

I eventually made my way to the TOWER OF LONDON. For this one I paid for a tour, by an authentic Yeoman of the Guard. Very interesting place -- the oldest place I've ever been, I think. William the Conqueror began construction a thousand years ago. All manner of major monarchs lived and died there. Traitors imprisoned and beheaded, people tortured (though not as many as is legendary), people grew up and grew old within the walls, black death came, all kinds of staggering nuttiness. Do not consider visiting London without seeing the Crown Jewels. I was mighty impressed. Many, many, many sparkles. Plus ceremonial swords and scepters flourished by Elizabeth I, cups and spoons used by King George, Henry VIII's tankard, hoo-boy, I was all a-tingle. Huge collection of fightin' accouterments, as well. And just walking the grounds was very thrilling and strange -- probably the kind of thing best appreciated alone. Ghosts!

I noted with some disappointment the maintenance and restoration efforts at the Tower. Areas of crumbling, age-old hewn stone are being replaced by identical cement blocks.

On an amusing note, I just wrote several paragraphs, "an error" happened, and everything was lost! Ha, ha, ha! TypePad will have their little joke, those rogues! And I pay for this!

I had spent most of the afternoon at the Tower and left at closing. It had already been an exhausting day of looking, standing, and walking. So I went to a pub, had a pint, and set off for more! I started walking back the way I'd come, but on different streets. Decided I'd be sorry if I didn't get off my feet, so gave in and got on a bus. I rode on the top floor. Got off at the Savoy. Went into the lobby, had a look around. Nice. Very fancy. They asked me to leave. The way I was dressed (old clothes from my hosts, which they intended to throw out), I suppose I could have been a bum. Or "tramp," in your British.

I bypassed Covent Garden for the time being and went to check out Leicester Square. Pronounced "Lester." Why do British insist on sticking all these extra letters in otherwise normal words and not pronouncing any of them? Colour. Worcestershire. I tell you it's regoddamndiculous and next time I see the Queen I intend to protest. It irritated me so much I went back to Covent Garden. A swinging place, to be sure. Crawling with street entertainers, many quite good. I went into the Royal Opera House - they didn't ask me to leave - and looked at a bunch of other theaters. I had dinner - Indian, very good - on one of the many skinny side streets. Got back out to Putney by 10.

Friday morning. My flight was at 4, but, anticipating trouble, I left for Heathrow at 10AM. It's crazy to get from London to Heathrow any way other than the tube. I was there in about 45 minutes. Mind the gap, though! And it was actually above ground most of the way. I had a choice of lines (queues) to wait in. Chose one. When a ticket agent was finally able to take me I was informed, for the first time, that there was a 30 pound lost/stolen ticket charge. None of the Virgin Atlantic people I had spoken to the previous two days had mentioned anything like this. But what was I going to do? I heaved a heavy sigh and presented my credit card yet again.

Security check was a horrific, unruly mob. I like to keep at least 2 feet personal space fore and aft while waiting in a line. I received no cooperation. All the jabbing and bumping drove me to the verge of screaming something inflammatory, like "I have water!" maybe in Arabic. At least I didn't have one single piece of luggage, carry-on, or nuthin' to hassle with, and was quickly decided to be harmless. But it was after all the lines were cleared, with comfortable time to spare, that the really annoying bit began.

My flight was scheduled for 3:50. At 3:30 the gate departure board, which I had been checking obsessively every 5 minutes, still said "check again." "Check again!" How vague is that? Not "Delayed," not "Approx 6," nothing the least bit useful. Isn't "check again" one of the answers you get from the Magic 8 Ball? Click here to ask the Magic 8 Ball a question. BUT COME RIGHT BACK HERE. I browsed the stupid duty-free shops -- what a ripoff they are, went to the bar and downed a few, all the while keeping my eye on the departure board. "Check again." Around 7 I finally decided it was stupid not to get something to eat, and it was while I was enjoying some appalling lasagna, school lunchroom quality, that a 7:35 departure was announced! I had to hustle to get to the gate and was the last person to board. There was another 40 minute delay while we waited to take off.

VIRGIN ATLANTIC STINKS. BOYCOTT. Also (a reminder) easyinternetcafe, Tottenham Court Road.

My neighbor on the flight was a young man with a very intrusive elbow. He must have felt my waves of hate and didn't talk to me. I watched Ballet Russes, a documentary, pretty good, and the only horror movie available, the remake of The Hills Have Eyes. I found it to be on a par with the original. Avoid it.

As mentioned several times already if you've been paying attention, I was completely luggage-free. This greatly facilitated time getting through customs and out of Kennedy. What a day, though! It was 11 (4AM in England), I'd been up almost 22 hours, and, also as previously mentioned, I can't sleep on planes. It was a pleasure indeed to get home, take a shower, put on something that I hadn't been wearing for TEN DAYS, and go to bed with Val! Hooray!

And my luggage re-appeared! After 11 days of being God knows where it got delivered to... RICHARD HOLMES' APARTMENT! Richard, who I flew over with on the 9th. His stuff turned up, too. Rather than give them my correct address he thought it wise, considering we were dealing with VIRGIN ATLANTIC, to accept it and leave well enough alone.

In summation, yes, I would go to London again. But then I would also go skiing again. Watch these pages and CHECK AGAIN.

Comments

[Paul]

Hey, Steve:
Despite all your unexpected adversity, at least you were able to have a little fun in London and do some interesting things. Your whole experience reminds me a bit of the old movie "The Out-Of-Towners," just without Sandy Dennis whining "Oh, my God...." every ten minutes. I suspect there were times when you were probably whining things far worse than "Oh, my God" while you were there. The Tower of London is very cool. When David Macaluso, Michael Connolly and I were in London for a few day after Buxton 2004, we went to the Tower as well and I even got a tourist to take a photo of the three of us posed with two of the yeoman. When we told the yeomen that we had played yoemen on stage, they looked at us like we had three heads, posed graciously for the photo and then got the hell away from us as quickly as possible. It's a great photo and a fun reminder of our visit to the Tower.

[Mr. Steve]

THE OUT-OF-TOWNERS!!! Why didn't I think of it before? What a great idea for a musical!

[DOUG]

My dream musicals:

Female Trouble
Corpse Grinders
Contact
Watergate

[Mr. Steve]

Now Doug, who would play the lead -- WELL, I MEAN -- in a musical Female Trouble? That movie is great because it's totally Divine. Corpse Grinders, I think. The other 2 are operas. Corpse Grinders deserves to be a musical, and I don't neccessarily mean that in a good way. What about Blood Feast?
"Have you ever had . . . an EGYPTIAN FEAST???"
Maybe that one's an opera, too.
I've always thought The Brain That Wouldn't Die (head in a tray, monster in the closet) would be a good opera.

[Doug]

I want to write the Jodi Foster aria "They should have sent a poet"....

[Doug]

Hmm... how about DESPERATE LIVING instead? That would be a good ensemble piece, like Spamalot. Queen Carlotta could be played by pretty much anyone. "Backwards Day" would be a great musical extravaganza.

"Oh god, the children are having sex" - Peggy's lament
Grizelda's fight song: "Zip that gaping hole of a mouth up, Peggy, before I plug it up with my fist"

[Mr. Steve]

The entire "underwear cop" scene could be a musical number. WHAT YOU SKAGS LOOKIN' AT???

[Doug]

DAMN BLEEDING GUMS!

[Daniele Doctorow]

Wow! What a trip. I too went to London (9/2-7) and had a completely different experience. Virgin Atlantic crews were wonderful, funny and accommodating. This was during the no-liquids, etc. period but lines moved easily and quickly, even with checked luggage. Granted, we only had one minor delay, also the red-eye from JFK to Heathrow, so maybe VA's Achilles Heel is dealing with the unexpected. After playing G&S since 1983 it was amusing to note how things British in reality reminded me of the parody. It's usually the other way around! The only glitch was inconsistent and incorrect information about what day the Changing of the Guard was. Oh well. The prices in London are outrageous. The exception is culture. We had first row, first (and only) balcony center seats for a play in the West End, for $40USD, tix bought same day. BBC Proms concert was $10, Polish Klezmer in an alternative space, $15 contribution, Tate Britian (museum) free. Teeny-tiny sandwich $8. Experience priceless.

[Mr. Steve]

Hey Daniele
I didn't see an actual changing of the Guard, I think at certain hours the guys just come out and move around a bit, in their silly automaton fashion. Yes, London was a thrill, fer sure. Glad to hear Virgin is attempting to get it together. Now they'll probably want me to revise what I say in the blog.