G - A - Ssssssss

Farts had to be discussed sooner or later. Yesterday I finished this blog's biography section ("ABOUT," to your left) in which I briefly described my colitis days, now long behind me. Back then my farts were nothing to be sneezed at, he said, with a wistful glimmer in his eyes and a sigh full of nostalgia. Back then, in my late youth, when my guts were rotting and I was taking sulfa drugs to control the inflammation, THOSE were farts such as no living girlfriend should have had to survive. I still maintain that these privileged women must have held a grudging admiration for the thick, heavy, rotten meat stench that could only be produced by a very sick person. More than once Lesley had to leap out of bed and flee to the living room, full of curses. "OH, GOD! Why can't you do that in the bathroom?!?" "How'd I know," etc. I had to spend so much time in the bathroom in those days that few people were ever in the same room when I broke wind (I use that phrase for the ladies in the audience, because I am a gentleman). Honestly, I've been witness to all manner of flatus. Some of the more horrible have been horse, large old dog, Thanksgiving dinner gas, Bert Bell garlic farts (the breath was no laughing matter either), and sick Eva lactose-intolerant milk farts.

Yes, deriving humor from the smell of a really bad one is an acquired taste. No one who was there will ever forget the dizzying fog once emitted from BILL FABRIS, that's right, BILL FABRIS, the director/choreographer. NYGASP was doing a Pirates of Penzance with grown up principals and a grade school chorus, somewhere on Long Island. Bill, a big-boned person, was center stage and had just taken part in the capture of the Major-General's daughters. He farted hugely and horribly and completely without detectable sound just before my entrance. I came onstage to find little kids rolling their eyes, coughing, and not attempting in any way to deal professionaly with a gag-inducing expulsion of intestinal horror. This was a thick fart -- a heavy greenish-yellow mist that took FOREVER to disperse. Performers were laughing at it, but that made us inhale through our mouths, which seemed even worse. As is usual in such conditions, nobody confessed. Eva and I decided that she should claim responsibility, without actually lying and confessing to being the one who dealt. It wasn't until the drive home, when the fart was on everyone's lips, that Bill sheepishly admitted that the monster was his. Naturally we cheered.

Curly Howard's friends say that the great Stooge loved to fart and would brag "N'yuk, n'yuk, n'yuk, I can clear out a room!" No doubt! I don't know of any other celebrity to brag about farting.

Do you think farts have always been funny? Do you think Jesus and his buddies had a lovely guffaw over a particularly raucous wine/fig/olive/goat meat/unleavened bread fart? Or was humor maybe not as sophisticated back then. I don't know, Jesus demonstrated a satisfying propensity for irony in his parables. Whether a fart is ironic, though, is arguable. Or maybe it isn't.

And let us touch upon the anus briefly. If you didn't realize before let it now be known that fart sound is produced entirely by the anal opening. The force of the fart and the suppleness of the sphincter are what cause the delightfully amusing variety of sounds. Buttock quantity has nothing to do with it. Learn EVERYTHING about farts at http://www.heptune.com/farts.html    Sorry, I just can't get this 'link' button to work as it should. So copy and paste, you won't be sorry.

Comments

[Theresa]

Let us not touch upon the anus.
Did you know that a sea cucumber breathes through its anus?
True.

[ScottT]

dude U look like a syko
and U smell like farts heh heh

[Buhrad]

That was amazing reading. I love to read about farts and other people's fart related illnesses. I hope this becomes a weekly feature.

[Claudia Monet]

I love farts. I love to smell farts (especially my own,) I love to talk about farts, laugh about farts, remember historic farts in my lifetime, and, of course, FART. Anyway, that was a fantastic article. Please write more about farts - I will tune in!

If you need ideas for articles, I'm full of em, too.....how about talking about smelly NYC cabs (all of them smell different - equally horrifying.) or what about BUMS and their behavior? I've known a couple of truly extraordinary bums that really stick out in my mind.
WEll, these are just suggestions.....
Tally ho!

[Robin (Dowse) Howard]

Dude, that's not how I remember it at ALL!! Pretty sure Bill performed that rank act of gastrointestinal decompression while twirling a bespectacled Steve Quint across the stage at POOP (speaking of ironic flatulence). Yes, actually, it's quite vivid now that the wheels are turning in my strangled brain. He picked Steve up and tipped him over and just as the tassel of Steve's sleeping bonnet touched the stage....out it came. It was quite sonorous despite the sub-par acoustics at Lakewood. Ah memories.

[Mr. Steve]

Hey Robin

So there's more than one Bill Fabris Pirates of Penzance flatulence tale, eh? I guess I do remember that one, now that you mention it. That Bill! Full of whimsy. And baked beans and radishes.

[Mr. Steve]

Confidential to DK:

Yes, I know, it was Curly's NEPHEW who described his farting. And why shouldn't I consider him a reliable source?

[Brother Tom]

I am sorry not to have been paying attention to the zombiemikado. I have been to busy sitting in front row seats at my good friends The Rolling Stones. I promise on a stack of Islamic Holy Books to pay better attention

[Ted]

"Let us touch upon the anus briefly"! HILARIOUS! This is a funny website!